so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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