I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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