Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
