sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
