One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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