Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
