If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
