Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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