im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
