Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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