DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
