you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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