my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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