I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
