my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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