Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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