evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
