she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
