I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
