You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
