You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
