you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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