I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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