i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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