why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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