This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
