roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Randomize
