so that wasnt chicken after all
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
