My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize