I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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