I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
