Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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