The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
