You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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