my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
