My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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