we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
