He kissed a someone with a penis
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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