he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
