Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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