the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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