Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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