Your face is a jimmy john
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
