You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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