we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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