Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW