Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
seriously i just wanna be friends
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.