When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.