Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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