she takes plan B like it's going out of style
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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