this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
