we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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