I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
