took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
