I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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