I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
