Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
