While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
