can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
