The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
