he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
